Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wednesday


Gosh, I was very surprised at all the comments on yesterday's post. That book certainly made an impact on everybody. I am all for traveling and getting out into the world, it is something I think everybody should try, I was just surprised and baffled at the huge success this book and author have claimed. I have read much better books about travel and self discovery. Anyway...that's enough about that.

I received this email today and had to laugh because quite a few of these things apply to me. I have read those same emails in the past and the info has stayed with me:)


Thanks to all your educational emails over the years.........

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed and I cannot drink out of the water glass in the bathroom for fear of what the housekeeper was cleaning prior to washing that glass ( if it was washed).

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years :(


I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Purses are one of the dirtiest germ carriers around.

Must spend special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open in the kitchen for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.


I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.


I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.


I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day and my hair is now an attractive shade of grey because I am too afraid to colour it with dye.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer
and thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are potentially terrorist agents in disguise and I
no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

Now I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.... if not a snake, a rat....


I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

P. S. : I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water particles spray over 6 ft. out of the toilet each time it is flushed.

6 comments:

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Yes, and never give back your hotel room door card because it has all your credit card info on it.

Dolores said...

Thanks for the morning chuckle.

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

This is a goodie!

Another goodie? That wonderful cookbook of yours! I was fortunate to have won the giveaway at Suzie's. And although I can't try it out for a while as I'm beginning my 2 wk vacation tonight, I can't wait to get my (oven) mitts all over it. Those recipes sound divine! Thanks Shelagh!

Sharon said...

Thank you so much for this post! I haven't laughed so much in a long time. I'm going to have to post the link on my blog. You are too much fun!

gayle said...

Oh I love it !!! Talk about laugh, or lol as my daughters would write. You write so well, and I always enjoy your blog. I'm new to blogging and its blogs like yours that I feel I can justify my idle blog hopping habit that I now seem to be afflicted with.I never knew that paranoia could be so hilarious.

Patti said...

this is the funniest post I've ever read! I get all those emails too and most of the time don't read them:) I did the St. Theresa's prayer that you pass around and your wish comes true on the third day, both times I crashes - second time I went running to the kitchen because my daughter (Alice:) was screaming - I fell, broke a rib and got rug burn on my nose!
I came here via Marcia Jorgenson, who thought I would love your photography, which is fabulous, as is your art! I hope you don't mind if I link to this post...